Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
