Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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