I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
