I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I AM VODKA MAN
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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