i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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