The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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