I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
