I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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