I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
