It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
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