Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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