Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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