"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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