I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
