On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
