my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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