I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
