I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
