can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
