I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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