I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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