He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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