I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
