Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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