ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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