if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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