Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
