Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
