I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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