I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
