i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
