I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
