Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
