He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
