Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
