After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
