Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
