What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
