Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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