He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
