I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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