So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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