Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
