Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
