so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
