I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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