I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
