my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
