im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
