i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
