haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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