I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
