You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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